The Art of the Steal

You all remember The Quitter from yesterday, right? If not, then stop reading this post and go read it before going any further.

Welcome back, this is what it feels like to be caught up you lazy bum.

As I was saying, you all remember The Quitter from yesterday, right? Of course you do, I’m a very memorable writer and you should follow me immediately.

Ok, now that you’re following me, and that you’re all caught up, we can continue. No more holding back the rest of the class.

Due to the lack of composure and ethic of The Quitter, I spent a large portion of the day making phone calls and interviewing people. One young lady in particular stuck out like a sore thumb. With gangrene.

After going through most of the interview, she asks me if I’ll be performing a background check. Odd question to ask since most employers get a background check of their employees. I told her I would be doing that if we decided to go any further with the hiring process. She then proceeded to tell me that she was fired from a job about 7 years ago for stealing.

I’m a forgiving person and I don’t judge, as I’m sure you can tell from my obvious unicorns and rainbows demeanor. Unfortunately, when it comes to work, I have zero tolerance for certain things. Theft is one of those things. Especially in a business where we have our hands on hundreds of products each day, a lot of which is unsupervised.

I let her know that I would contact her to let her know either way if I wanted to continue the hiring process. She left, I immediately got on the internet.

Turns out, Klepto McStickyfingers had a misdemeanor for taking close to $500 right out of a register in front of a camera that she knew was there. Now, I know people change, everyone deserves a second chance, and all that jazz.

I also know that I have fifteen other applicants who haven’t stolen anything. Guess who I’m going to hire?

Back to the story. During my research online and a couple of calls to her old employer to find out what the circumstances were, I discovered quite a bit. McStickyfingers not only blatantly stole from her company, but told fellow employees in the weeks leading up to the crime that she’d easily be able to do it without getting caught. She thought the cameras didn’t work because they were too outdated and for sure didn’t have any kind of audio. They were there for a scare tactic. I bet she was scared when she got arrested.

I DO NOT CONDONE THEFT OF ANY KIND FROM ANY PERSON OR COMPANY.

That being said…

If you’re going to steal from someone, come on. Be fairly intelligent about it. Don’t tell people you’re capable of doing it, how and why you are capable of doing it, or when you’re going to do it. Try to block yourself from any cameras. Don’t be obvious about it. Make it look smooth.

I wrote a post a couple months ago called The Art of the Deal. Go read it. I’ll wait.

Okay, welcome back, again. If I have to make you go back one more time I’m throwing your ass out of this class.

Now insert the wealth of knowledge from The Art of the Deal into this post, The Art of the Steal. See what I did there with the titles? That was a complete coincidence. Yet it worked out seamlessly. I told you earlier I was great at this writing thing. You should read what I write every day like Iamthesunking does. Front of the class, top marks, teacher’s pet.

Anyway. Be smart about what you do. Even thieving. Again, I don’t condone theft in any way. But if you’re going to do something, do it well, think it out, be smart about it. I’d hire a good thief over a bad one any day just out of principle.

Don’t be like Klepto McStickyfingers.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a beautiful woman in my bed waiting for me to hold her so we can pass out.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.

The Art of the Deal

I don’t condone the use or sale of drugs or anything like it. That being said, if that’s something you do, be smart about it.

It was 7:45 in the evening in Santa Rosa, NM. Still plenty of daylight, definitely enough to make a drug deal obvious to anyone who happened to be looking in the right direction. I was in the middle of testing sensors under a bunch of fuel dispensers. Halfway through, I looked up. A mid-90s Ford Something-or-other was pulling up to a dispenser. A guy (Idiot Numero Uno stepped out and started walking toward the store. Another guy, we’ll call him Idiot Numero Dos, was smoking a cigarette against the side of the store and started walking towards Idiot Numero Uno. They met in the middle of the parking lot, halfway through between the fuel pumps and the storefront.

Now, if I were going to make such a transaction as these two businessman, I certainly wouldn’t do it in the middle of a parking lot at the busiest gas station in town, at the busiest intersection in town, while the parking lot and store are full of witnesses, with the sun burning bright. Not that I would do anything of the sort to begin with.

Then the idiocy began:

  • Idiots Numero Uno and Do chatted for a minute. A solid minute. In the middle of the busy parking lot
  • Idiot Numero Dos pulled out a wad of crumpled up cash and visibly counted out the right amount in exchange for his product
  • Idiot Numero Uno took the cash, counted it, and stuffed it in his pocket
  • Idiot Numero Uno pulled a joint out of his other pocket and noticeably gave it to Idiot Numero Dos
  • Both Idiots shook hands, Numero Uno went back to his car; Numero Dos back to his wall to smoke another cigarette

I’m no expert, but I have enough common sense to see that they went about their little exchange all wrong.

First of all, the whole thing should have happened all at once and taken maybe 3 seconds. Idiot Numero Dos should have already had the cash counted and separated ahead of time. Idiot Numero Uno should have had the joint in a plastic baggy or some other kind of protected containment; no one wants your nasty pocket-lint weed. there shouldn’t be that friendly of a relationship between a dealer and a user. It can create problems down the road in a big way. That means they shouldn’t have been having that friendly of a chat for that long. If they were friends, then they should have saved the conversation for later, over the phone, or hanging out somewhere else. Idiot Numero Uno should have actually gone into the store for any number of reasons to look somewhat legitimate. Idiot Numero Dos should have left, not posted up in his usual spot. Never stay in the same place where you make a transaction like that.

The best part of this is that I’m 6’1, I was in a very bright orange shirt for work, and I was visibly staring at them both during the whole thing, maybe 10 feet away.

They should have casually passed each other, passed cash and product in a couple of handshakes, and both moved on. It’s simple. But I guess if you have to sell or use drugs to make a living or get your rocks off, you’re probably not smart enough to wheel a tire down a damned hill.

Do better.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.