The Breatharian

I’ve been very good in the past about not calling out individuals by name. Especially when it comes to my rants about morons. I at least try to stick to a group of people and just use the name of the group (we all remember my flat-earth rant). My other half and I have a fake Instagram account that we use to make fun of basic bitches doing all the stereotypical basic bitch things, to the point of us creating our own basic bitch moments and hashtags. We don’t post often and we think it’s hilarious.

One lovely afternoon, as we lounged around on our couch, we came across the Instagram account of a young woman claiming to be a breatharian. This is where I’m going to lose a lot of patience and start my rant and call out an individual by name. Please forgive any typos or run-ons in my tirade.

AUDRA BEAR. This, person, is the idiot who runs the village entirely filled by village idiots. Many of you can come back and tell me that if they are all idiots, then none of them are idiots. Keep your logical “if, then” trash to yourself, you’ll agree with me by the end of this.

Again, AUDRA BEAR IS AN IDIOT.

Let’s start with what being a breatharian is all about.

A breatharian is a person who has no common sense and has lost all ability to think clearly due to a lack of nutrition. No, that’s not right…

A breatharian is defined as an individual who has no idea what it means to be a healthy human being and is dumb enough to think their ideology is the only way to… No, that’s not it either…

A breatharian thinks it’s possible to reach a level of consciousness where one can obtain all sustenance from the air or sunlight. Damn it, that’s not it either…

Wait… actually that IS the definition. Turns out I was right on all 3 counts.

These people are under the impression that they don’t need to eat. Or drink. Like, at all. Just breathe. And be in the sun. THAT’S IT. Oh! These people also think it’s super healthy to live that way. For a very long extended period of time. And by that, I mean several days, until they die. Which is exactly what has happened to EVERY ONE that has tried to live by breatharian lifestyle.

By now, many of you may have looked up Audra Bear, the heroine of our story. She seems to be alive and “well” and living her best life, despite being a breatharian and living a pranic lifestyle for several years. This is because she is NOT a true breatharian, which is unfortunate because I’d be okay if the lifeguard of natural selection kicked her ass out of the public domain that is the human gene pool.

Audra Bear has many posts, videos, pictures, and stories claiming she is a steadfast breatharian. She has actually claimed, recently, that she has fasted for 97 days on nothing but the sun and breathing techniques.

She’s also a dumbass who goes on to claim that she does her breathing techniques and takes in sunlight while sustaining nutrition through juices and smoothies. What? I’m sorry, I thought I was writing about a breatharian. My bad, turns out she’s a liar who doesn’t know what being a breatharian actually is.

Now, I don’t care if you want to be a breatharian and do whatever fasts and breathing techniques and sun-soaking that make you feel better about yourself. But if you’re going to do it, then fucking do it. Don’t say you’re going to do it and then do some sneaky shit to make it sound good.

So now we have a breatharian who also juices and makes #liquidarian posts.

After a little more digging, meaning more hours of making fun of idiots on Instagram, my lovely partner and I discover that she is also a vegan. That’s right, folks. A breatharian, who only takes in juices and smoothies. And plants and shit.

Okay, why not dig a little more, right? We now have a breatharian-liquidarian-vegan, who only takes in sunlight and air. Today, I found a picture of her drinking Starbucks, at a Starbucks. It wasn’t a juice. Or a smoothie. Or a plant. Or air. She was outside though, so I guess she gets points for the sun part of it. But you see where I’m going with this.

This is my favorite part of the story. In the midst of our sleuthing, we discovered a post where our main character dissected her name. Mind you, this was on the internet for the whole world to see. Let me draw this out the best I can.

AUDRA BEAR

AU=Gold

RA=Sun (cuz of the Egyptians and whatnot)

BEAR-Bearer

Audra Bear is a golden light-bearer.

She wrote all of that on her account. I did NOT make any of that up.

I know, I know. You guys are super smart and probably noticed that nothing was put in for the letter “D.” I noticed that as well. Maybe she forgot it was there. Maybe her lack of nutrition has gotten the better of her and she’s gone loopy. Maybe it’s a silent “D” and it stands for “DUMBFUCKERY.” I’ll let you decide, I’ve already made my decision.

My laptop battery is dying, and I’m struggling to keep all of this rant flowing in a semi-organized structure, so I’m going to put a pin in it for tonight.

Hopefully all of you are on my side on this. It isn’t often that I’m going to call out someone specifically for doing dumb stuff, but this had to happen. I mean, living off air and sunlight alone? Even the guy who founded the whole breatharian ideology said it’s a healthy way to live, IF YOU DO IT RIGHT WITH PROPER FASTING WHILE SUSTAINING THE NUTRITION YOUR BODY NEEDS. Seriously, if that dude said it then get your head out of your ass and stop doing moronic things for likes. Take your anorexic ass home. Get out of the sun, eat a pizza, and read a book. Get off the internet.

I’m all about living a clean and healthy lifestyle. I promote it and want everyone to live their best lives. That doesn’t mean starve your body of everything until your head goes crazy and then get on one of the biggest social media outlets in the world and influence others to live the way you do. all you will die. And to be honest, we will read the article, or maybe only the headline, and shake our heads at your brief, but fatal, insanity.

I’m going to go make a smoothie.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.

The Weatherman

I know Texas has a reputation for weather changing all the time with almost no notice. I’m sure every state says the same thing about their own weather. Here in Texas it has been unbearably humid and hot over the last couple of weeks. Maybe it’s because we just aren’t used to it and never really got a transition period from cold to hot. Maybe it’s because I’m a giant baby who likes to complain about the weather.

I’m no weatherman, but this is ridiculous. I can’t go outside for more than 10 minutes without being drenched in sweat. No clouds, lots of sun, super hot, and thick humidity.

The next day is full of thunderstorms and lightning and rain and wind and TERRIBLE DRIVERS THAT APPARENTLY HAVE NEVER BEEN OUTSIDE WHEN 3 DROPS OF WATER ARE ON THE WINDSHIELDS AND CAUSE 12 WRECKS ON THE WAY TO WORK. Maybe I’m bitter. I’m not sure if I’m more upset about the weather or the idiots that are on the road during bad weather. Then again, the same idiots are on the road being idiotic when we have hot, sunny, and humid weather.

I just want one day of decent weather. Mid 70’s, a bit of a breeze, sunny in the morning, with a few clouds after lunch. A short afternoon shower followed by a cool breeze would bring it all together. Just once a year. But that won’t happen.

And as long as I’m complaining, this is not a post directed at global warming, or flat earthers, or whatever dumb reason people think I may be complaining about. We’re having shitty weather, I don’t like it, and I feel like the world needs to know.

So there you have it.

Also, sorry I haven’t written in a while, I’ve been busy and a lot has been going on. But I’m back to writing at least one post a day starting today. You’re welcome.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.

The Blizzard: Part 2

The Midnight Writer strikes again. For those of you who didn’t read my last post, I ended it by berating flat-earthers, because they are idiots. Yesterday, I was enjoying a tasty Blizzard from Dairy Queen and trying to suffer through the conversations I could hear from the high school kids near me when, out of nowhere, one of them brings up the theory of a flat Earth.

Let me begin by saying that these kids don’t actually believe the Earth is flat. They only discussed it. Asking questions, even dumb ones, is how you learn and develop opinions and ideas. So, hats off to them. Could’ve been a bit quieter, though.

Anyway, there is a growing number of people that believe the Earth is flat. Not round, but flat. Contrary to any and all scientific and visual proof that has been presented, these morons have even created an organization called The Flat Earth Society. It’s real and they have recently held a large conference.

These people have many theories as to how and why the Earth is flat instead of round and spherical. Most have come to the conclusion that the Earth is a flat disk surrounded by an ice wall floating through space. In case that doesn’t sound stupid enough to you, some flat-earthers believe that space isn’t real. Some don’t even believe in gravity. That should really tell you all you need to know.

One guy in particular actually spent twenty grand building a homemade rocket to launch himself high enough in the air to try to see if there is a curvature of the Earth. This rocket of his blasted him about 1,900 feet into the air before parachutes were released and he came back to earth, though his head was still in the clouds. Funny thing about being propelled 1,900 into the air is that the curvature of the Earth can’t be seen until at least 35,000 feet. So, that was pointless.

I’m sure Darius Marley, the writer and audiobook narrator (check out his page if you get a chance, he’s great to read and listen to), would agree with me when I say that anyone can come up with an asinine opinion about something, especially with little to no research, and call it law. Everyone wants to be a part of something and jump on the bandwagon.

If there are any flat-earthers reading this, you are entitled to believe whatever you want to believe. And feel free to fight me on this, if you think the Earth is flat, then I bet you’re made of spare parts, aren’t you, bud? The Earth is round, I can’t sail off the edge of the Earth and fall into space, which apparently isn’t there, and gravity keeps my Blizzard in it’s container while I eat it.

I’m tired of seeing these morons on TV, in magazines, and on the internet. The theory of a flat Earth is idiotic. What’s that? The world needs to know about the massive worldwide conspiracy that the Earth is round and you want to spread the truth of what we’re too blind to see? Get off the cross, we need the wood. Dumbasses.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.