The Working Title

For most, writing is not an easy task. I’m still trying to figure out why I keep taking a stab at it. But here I am, pounding away at these keys in an effort to share my thoughts with you. Writing for pleasure may seem like the simplest route, as opposed to getting paid to write essays, stories, and other helpful articles, but it appears to not be the case at all. I can’t even come up with a decent title.

One thing I have come up with is that writing is a bit like life. I started out with absolutely no idea what I was doing or how to do it, though my intentions were good. Slowly, I started to form a thought in my head outlining the type of writer I wanted to be and what kind of approach I would take to make it happen. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of what I was doing and decided I just didn’t want to do it anymore, it’s too difficult. Boohoo.

Life works the same way. We start off not knowing anything or what to do with ourselves, but we are generally good people. As we grow older, experiences shape and mold us into what we are going to become as an adult and we decide what we want to accomplish as a human being. College, shitty jobs, paycheck to paycheck lives, and dealing with unbearable people make us lose track of what we were trying to accomplish and where we were going. We get blindsided by all of life’s little nuances and tricks. And then we have to start over. Once again, boohoo.

Starting over gets more and more difficult as we get older. Rediscovering ourselves isn’t fun anymore. It becomes a chore, a hassle. Yet we really don’t have much of a choice. For all the assholes who are going to say “you always have a choice, you can do anything you want to do,” shut up. We know this. We have potential. We have the support. We have the world in the palm of our hands. Isn’t life grand and simple and sweet and amazing. NO. It is NOT that easy. The only choice we have is to decide if we want to give up and be some cold hobo going from shelter to shelter or to try to pick ourselves up and make something new out of what has fallen apart. Most of us opt for the latter. Most of us will not be able to recover the track we were on at the beginning of our starry-eyed dreams, and although life has a way of working out and we end up being happy at the end, it is not what we had originally planned for ourselves. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

But not one person can tell me everything they did and accomplished and dreamed of went exactly according to plan and that there is no goal they did not accomplish. Everyone has something. You may not be able to admit it. As you are reading this, there is a tiny thought in the back of your head from 20 years ago screaming at you and tugging at you that you have suppressed and will always suppress.

This post was not meant to take such a negative turn, and I apologize for that. But it does confirm that both of my talking points are true. The first, writing and life have a lot in common. And the second, more often than not, things are not going to work out the way you want it to.

I’ll attempt to end this on a more positive note. With all of life’s downfalls and shortcomings, it isn’t all bad. Puppies and kittens exist, so there’s that. Life is a working title. It may not turn out as planned, but it will turn out. And by the end, whether it’s good or bad, you end up with an interesting read.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.

The Breatharian

I’ve been very good in the past about not calling out individuals by name. Especially when it comes to my rants about morons. I at least try to stick to a group of people and just use the name of the group (we all remember my flat-earth rant). My other half and I have a fake Instagram account that we use to make fun of basic bitches doing all the stereotypical basic bitch things, to the point of us creating our own basic bitch moments and hashtags. We don’t post often and we think it’s hilarious.

One lovely afternoon, as we lounged around on our couch, we came across the Instagram account of a young woman claiming to be a breatharian. This is where I’m going to lose a lot of patience and start my rant and call out an individual by name. Please forgive any typos or run-ons in my tirade.

AUDRA BEAR. This, person, is the idiot who runs the village entirely filled by village idiots. Many of you can come back and tell me that if they are all idiots, then none of them are idiots. Keep your logical “if, then” trash to yourself, you’ll agree with me by the end of this.

Again, AUDRA BEAR IS AN IDIOT.

Let’s start with what being a breatharian is all about.

A breatharian is a person who has no common sense and has lost all ability to think clearly due to a lack of nutrition. No, that’s not right…

A breatharian is defined as an individual who has no idea what it means to be a healthy human being and is dumb enough to think their ideology is the only way to… No, that’s not it either…

A breatharian thinks it’s possible to reach a level of consciousness where one can obtain all sustenance from the air or sunlight. Damn it, that’s not it either…

Wait… actually that IS the definition. Turns out I was right on all 3 counts.

These people are under the impression that they don’t need to eat. Or drink. Like, at all. Just breathe. And be in the sun. THAT’S IT. Oh! These people also think it’s super healthy to live that way. For a very long extended period of time. And by that, I mean several days, until they die. Which is exactly what has happened to EVERY ONE that has tried to live by breatharian lifestyle.

By now, many of you may have looked up Audra Bear, the heroine of our story. She seems to be alive and “well” and living her best life, despite being a breatharian and living a pranic lifestyle for several years. This is because she is NOT a true breatharian, which is unfortunate because I’d be okay if the lifeguard of natural selection kicked her ass out of the public domain that is the human gene pool.

Audra Bear has many posts, videos, pictures, and stories claiming she is a steadfast breatharian. She has actually claimed, recently, that she has fasted for 97 days on nothing but the sun and breathing techniques.

She’s also a dumbass who goes on to claim that she does her breathing techniques and takes in sunlight while sustaining nutrition through juices and smoothies. What? I’m sorry, I thought I was writing about a breatharian. My bad, turns out she’s a liar who doesn’t know what being a breatharian actually is.

Now, I don’t care if you want to be a breatharian and do whatever fasts and breathing techniques and sun-soaking that make you feel better about yourself. But if you’re going to do it, then fucking do it. Don’t say you’re going to do it and then do some sneaky shit to make it sound good.

So now we have a breatharian who also juices and makes #liquidarian posts.

After a little more digging, meaning more hours of making fun of idiots on Instagram, my lovely partner and I discover that she is also a vegan. That’s right, folks. A breatharian, who only takes in juices and smoothies. And plants and shit.

Okay, why not dig a little more, right? We now have a breatharian-liquidarian-vegan, who only takes in sunlight and air. Today, I found a picture of her drinking Starbucks, at a Starbucks. It wasn’t a juice. Or a smoothie. Or a plant. Or air. She was outside though, so I guess she gets points for the sun part of it. But you see where I’m going with this.

This is my favorite part of the story. In the midst of our sleuthing, we discovered a post where our main character dissected her name. Mind you, this was on the internet for the whole world to see. Let me draw this out the best I can.

AUDRA BEAR

AU=Gold

RA=Sun (cuz of the Egyptians and whatnot)

BEAR-Bearer

Audra Bear is a golden light-bearer.

She wrote all of that on her account. I did NOT make any of that up.

I know, I know. You guys are super smart and probably noticed that nothing was put in for the letter “D.” I noticed that as well. Maybe she forgot it was there. Maybe her lack of nutrition has gotten the better of her and she’s gone loopy. Maybe it’s a silent “D” and it stands for “DUMBFUCKERY.” I’ll let you decide, I’ve already made my decision.

My laptop battery is dying, and I’m struggling to keep all of this rant flowing in a semi-organized structure, so I’m going to put a pin in it for tonight.

Hopefully all of you are on my side on this. It isn’t often that I’m going to call out someone specifically for doing dumb stuff, but this had to happen. I mean, living off air and sunlight alone? Even the guy who founded the whole breatharian ideology said it’s a healthy way to live, IF YOU DO IT RIGHT WITH PROPER FASTING WHILE SUSTAINING THE NUTRITION YOUR BODY NEEDS. Seriously, if that dude said it then get your head out of your ass and stop doing moronic things for likes. Take your anorexic ass home. Get out of the sun, eat a pizza, and read a book. Get off the internet.

I’m all about living a clean and healthy lifestyle. I promote it and want everyone to live their best lives. That doesn’t mean starve your body of everything until your head goes crazy and then get on one of the biggest social media outlets in the world and influence others to live the way you do. all you will die. And to be honest, we will read the article, or maybe only the headline, and shake our heads at your brief, but fatal, insanity.

I’m going to go make a smoothie.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.

The Comeback

It’s been way too long, a couple of months at least. Consider this the first post in my renewed attempt at writing at least once a day. A lot has changed, some has stayed the same, and all of it has been for the better.

The format is the same you know and love: dry sense of humor, jokes you may or may not get, observations and experiences in my work and personal life, and the uncanny ability to come off as a general asshole, major dick, private douche (more bad jokes) regardless of the point I’m making or the fact that you agree with me.

First off, I have a new job. I get to work with a ton of people. It’s great, I think. You know how people are. I also get to be in charge of them, so we’ll see how that goes. On the bright side, I’m home every night, I get to cook every night, I get to see the old lady every night. On the other hand, no daily cross-country travel. Not that I don’t have a million complaints on my 10 minute commute to and from work every day (I’m talking to you silver 2003 Malibu that takes up 3 lanes on a 2 lane road in rush hour traffic). But all that other stuff makes up for it.

Next, I’ve more or less settled down and gotten used to the home and work life without the nuisances of a different hotel every night, fast food for every meal, and the insane hours that drive lesser people mad. On top of all that, there’s a cat next to me on the armrest of this couch so I’m going to type a bunch of nonsense to appeal to the cat lovers out there that think it’s adorable when cats walk all over keyboards: adjklfhdsakjabs;dca n sd lj lasdflkjkdf s dfh;ks ;k jsdkf;j sadkf. Gotta get those likes. Definitely wasn’t the cause of a very brief writer’s block and a poor excuse to take up space in this post.

Now that all of that is out of the way, I’ll just say that I’m sorry I haven’t written in a couple months, like I’m the only interesting person on the entire internet and you could figure out anything else in the world to do.

So begins my daily posting. Look out for tomorrow’s post where I rant for quite a while about the idiocy that is being a breatharian. You’re really going to enjoy it.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.

The Iraqi Book Market

This will be a shorter post, but the topic interests me. I was reading random articles late last night and came across a story about a street in Baghdad lined with books, day and night. The street has been subject to bombings and war and has come back from the dead every time.

The hunger for literature in Iraq has always been strong whether the literature was influenced by political readers or not. Thousands of books line Mutanabbi Street in the old quarter of Baghdad. These books remain stacked in the streets all hours of the day and night.

People visit the site daily and sort through the piles to find their next adventure. The best part of this that no one ever takes a book without paying. Say or believe what you will about that part of the world. There is a philosophy that “the reader does not steal and the thief does not read.”

I’m impressed by this book market and have every intention of visiting it as soon as I can. Please read up on the Iraqi book market. There are a ton of articles about it and they make for a good read.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.