The Art of the Steal

You all remember The Quitter from yesterday, right? If not, then stop reading this post and go read it before going any further.

Welcome back, this is what it feels like to be caught up you lazy bum.

As I was saying, you all remember The Quitter from yesterday, right? Of course you do, I’m a very memorable writer and you should follow me immediately.

Ok, now that you’re following me, and that you’re all caught up, we can continue. No more holding back the rest of the class.

Due to the lack of composure and ethic of The Quitter, I spent a large portion of the day making phone calls and interviewing people. One young lady in particular stuck out like a sore thumb. With gangrene.

After going through most of the interview, she asks me if I’ll be performing a background check. Odd question to ask since most employers get a background check of their employees. I told her I would be doing that if we decided to go any further with the hiring process. She then proceeded to tell me that she was fired from a job about 7 years ago for stealing.

I’m a forgiving person and I don’t judge, as I’m sure you can tell from my obvious unicorns and rainbows demeanor. Unfortunately, when it comes to work, I have zero tolerance for certain things. Theft is one of those things. Especially in a business where we have our hands on hundreds of products each day, a lot of which is unsupervised.

I let her know that I would contact her to let her know either way if I wanted to continue the hiring process. She left, I immediately got on the internet.

Turns out, Klepto McStickyfingers had a misdemeanor for taking close to $500 right out of a register in front of a camera that she knew was there. Now, I know people change, everyone deserves a second chance, and all that jazz.

I also know that I have fifteen other applicants who haven’t stolen anything. Guess who I’m going to hire?

Back to the story. During my research online and a couple of calls to her old employer to find out what the circumstances were, I discovered quite a bit. McStickyfingers not only blatantly stole from her company, but told fellow employees in the weeks leading up to the crime that she’d easily be able to do it without getting caught. She thought the cameras didn’t work because they were too outdated and for sure didn’t have any kind of audio. They were there for a scare tactic. I bet she was scared when she got arrested.

I DO NOT CONDONE THEFT OF ANY KIND FROM ANY PERSON OR COMPANY.

That being said…

If you’re going to steal from someone, come on. Be fairly intelligent about it. Don’t tell people you’re capable of doing it, how and why you are capable of doing it, or when you’re going to do it. Try to block yourself from any cameras. Don’t be obvious about it. Make it look smooth.

I wrote a post a couple months ago called The Art of the Deal. Go read it. I’ll wait.

Okay, welcome back, again. If I have to make you go back one more time I’m throwing your ass out of this class.

Now insert the wealth of knowledge from The Art of the Deal into this post, The Art of the Steal. See what I did there with the titles? That was a complete coincidence. Yet it worked out seamlessly. I told you earlier I was great at this writing thing. You should read what I write every day like Iamthesunking does. Front of the class, top marks, teacher’s pet.

Anyway. Be smart about what you do. Even thieving. Again, I don’t condone theft in any way. But if you’re going to do something, do it well, think it out, be smart about it. I’d hire a good thief over a bad one any day just out of principle.

Don’t be like Klepto McStickyfingers.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a beautiful woman in my bed waiting for me to hold her so we can pass out.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.

The Controversy

When I first started writing this blog, I told myself I wouldn’t discuss religion or politics too heavily, if at all. So far I’ve done a great job of staying true to that. I’ve now written 20 posts, with this being the 21st. Most of you seem to be on my side with most things that I’ve written about, so let’s see if we can change that. Some of you will agree with this post and some of you may hate it. I’m actually looking forward to any emails (michaelhowell0188@gmail.com) or comments in either case. Angry or not, stay with me until the end of this post.

With all the driving I do, especially in some of the states I do it in (Texas, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Kansas, Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama), I see a lot of things that make me think. One thing that I see almost every single day is a vehicle flying the Confederate flag, or a house with the Confederate flag flying outside their door or driveway. This is where I may lose some of you.

I’m all for remembering history and what it meant and how it shaped our nation. The United States of America, emphasis on the “United” part, for all it’s flaws, is a wonderful place to be, regardless of your political or religious affiliation, which is kind of the point. The Civil War and it’s two opposing sides, the Union and the Confederacy, were obviously a huge part of that and turned this country into what it is today. We should Always remember our nation’s history.

That being said, flying the Confederate flag and other flags next to it that say the South should secede or that it will rise again is disrespectful and a form of treason. If you want to have the flag as a historical commemoration then, by all means, please do so. Maybe you have ancestors that fought for the South, maybe you’re fascinated by that era of our history, maybe you think it’s pretty. But to fly it as a statement against The UNITED Stated of America goes against everything that The UNITED States of America stand for. Obviously the issue of the First Amendment comes into play here. So do what you want, and I’ll write about what I want.

The Civil War was just that: a war. A war with a winner and a loser. The South lost, and its general SURRENDERED. For those of you who aren’t aware, to surrender means you lost to an opponent and you submit to their authority. The Confederacy is no more. There are also some folks that believe the South can secede and successfully fight a war against the rest of the country. That thought is so far from being true I can’t even begin to explain why without sitting here for the next several hours.

This is a topic that I know I’ll be revisiting in the future, and I need to get to work. So, I’m going to leave it at that for now and see how many people I’ve pissed off.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.

The Blizzard: Part 2

The Midnight Writer strikes again. For those of you who didn’t read my last post, I ended it by berating flat-earthers, because they are idiots. Yesterday, I was enjoying a tasty Blizzard from Dairy Queen and trying to suffer through the conversations I could hear from the high school kids near me when, out of nowhere, one of them brings up the theory of a flat Earth.

Let me begin by saying that these kids don’t actually believe the Earth is flat. They only discussed it. Asking questions, even dumb ones, is how you learn and develop opinions and ideas. So, hats off to them. Could’ve been a bit quieter, though.

Anyway, there is a growing number of people that believe the Earth is flat. Not round, but flat. Contrary to any and all scientific and visual proof that has been presented, these morons have even created an organization called The Flat Earth Society. It’s real and they have recently held a large conference.

These people have many theories as to how and why the Earth is flat instead of round and spherical. Most have come to the conclusion that the Earth is a flat disk surrounded by an ice wall floating through space. In case that doesn’t sound stupid enough to you, some flat-earthers believe that space isn’t real. Some don’t even believe in gravity. That should really tell you all you need to know.

One guy in particular actually spent twenty grand building a homemade rocket to launch himself high enough in the air to try to see if there is a curvature of the Earth. This rocket of his blasted him about 1,900 feet into the air before parachutes were released and he came back to earth, though his head was still in the clouds. Funny thing about being propelled 1,900 into the air is that the curvature of the Earth can’t be seen until at least 35,000 feet. So, that was pointless.

I’m sure Darius Marley, the writer and audiobook narrator (check out his page if you get a chance, he’s great to read and listen to), would agree with me when I say that anyone can come up with an asinine opinion about something, especially with little to no research, and call it law. Everyone wants to be a part of something and jump on the bandwagon.

If there are any flat-earthers reading this, you are entitled to believe whatever you want to believe. And feel free to fight me on this, if you think the Earth is flat, then I bet you’re made of spare parts, aren’t you, bud? The Earth is round, I can’t sail off the edge of the Earth and fall into space, which apparently isn’t there, and gravity keeps my Blizzard in it’s container while I eat it.

I’m tired of seeing these morons on TV, in magazines, and on the internet. The theory of a flat Earth is idiotic. What’s that? The world needs to know about the massive worldwide conspiracy that the Earth is round and you want to spread the truth of what we’re too blind to see? Get off the cross, we need the wood. Dumbasses.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.

The Blizzard: Part 1

It’s finally starting to heat up in Texas. I’ve got a nice farmer’s tan just from this last week of work. I’m drenched in sweat before 10:30 in the morning. I’ve even had my fair share of daydreams about pools and oceans.

This time of year also means Dairy Queen is going to take all my money in exchange for all the Mint Oreo Blizzards I can eat. There isn’t enough discipline in the world to keep me from a tasty treat like that. Workouts and diets be damned. The Texas Stop Sign takes my heart every time. Also, Dairy Queen is an Illinois chain that somehow made it’s way to the lovely state of Texas, so I’m not sure how it got that nickname. Especially with Whataburger being such a staple.

To make another clear, Frosties from Wendy’s, Blasts from Sonic, and any shake from Whataburger don’t hold a candle to a Blizzard from Dairy Queen.

So, 3pm rolled around. I decided it was time to take my sweat-drenched and tanned-up-to-the-middle-of-my-biceps arms out for a Blizzard. Lucky me, just in time to get in line behind 7 high school boys that just got out of school for the day.

Now, I get excited about a Blizzard just as much as the next guy, but not so much that I can’t figure out what kind I want. I’ve been eating the same type of Blizzard for the last 20 years. These kids took 8 minutes to figure what they all wanted. ALL 6 OF THEM. If you’re in line, start looking at the giant fucking menu in front of your face. It even has pictures!!

I’m not saying they were being childish. I’m 31 for crying out loud and still haven’t figured out that I don’t have to eat a Blizzard so fast that I get a brain freeze EVERY SINGLE TIME. But, come on. There were people behind you. I know you all knew there was a line behind you. Have some respect.

Anyway, I devoured my Blizzard. I got a brain freeze. I judged high school kids. I went back to work. The world kept turning. On an axis, like a sphere, because the earth isn’t fucking flat.

You’ll have to tune in tomorrow to see what that’s all about, because the conversation those kids had made me lose faith and hope in some things.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.

The Early Bird

I love watching and listening to people anywhere I go. The things I see and hear when I’m a fly on the wall are incredible. Some are stupid. Today we will be discussing a stupid conversation. I should mention this takes place in a university town full of young students.

It was about 2pm and I was starving. I decided it’d be a good time to grab some food. This has nothing to do with the story, but the place was out of roast beef, and I’m still upset about it. No roast beef sandwich for me. As I waited for my chicken salad sandwich I could hear several conversations around me. The one that stood out was between three freshmen girls. The reason I know they were freshmen is because they wouldn’t shut up about how they wouldn’t be freshmen next year and they’d be able to take better classes.

For some reason their conversation was the one I decided to focus on. Probably because they were right behind me, and all had high-pitched voices that drowned out all other noise in the restaurant. The topic that stood out the most to me is the one about morning classes.

I’m no stranger to college education or early morning classes. Being an adult, I’m also no stranger to waking up early. To be completely fair, I only sleep for 3 or 4 hours a night. As a grown-up with a job and responsibilities, I’m a bit biased towards the working class. So when I hear the line, “I had to wake up so early the other day, I had a class at 11,” I immediately perk up.

I understand that women/girls take an abnormally long time to get ready for anything, whether it’s to get the mail or go on vacation. So to go to a class at 11, I imagine it’ll take a couple hours, plus the amount of time it’ll take to actually get to class. She woke up at 8am or so. Sound about right? That is NOT “so early.” Luckily for you, I’m not going to rant about that.

I’m going to rant about the line she used to follow it.

“I had to get up at 9:30 just to make it to that stupid class on time!”

Begin rant:

First of all, 9:30 in the damned morning?!?!?! On a weekday?!?!?! NO. That is not early. I get that she’s a college kid, probably not a lot going on other than classes, parties, and maybe a part time job.

To be fair, she could be working two full-time jobs and taking a full course load and working her little bleached-blonde heart out to pay for her brand new iPhone that she bragged about to her two friends 10 minutes ago. But for the sake of this post, she needs to grow up. The real world, after college, is going to be a rude awakening for her.

9:30 in morning? I cant remember the last time I slept past 7:30, and that’s sleeping in! I don’t feel bad for her at all. Her friends do. They all exchanged stories for the next 20 minutes about the horrors of college classes, particularly ones in the morning.

This obviously doesn’t fall entirely on these poor girls. We can blame society, media, and their families. I’m going to put most of the blame on families. I heard these same conversations over and over again when I was in college. My parents raised me a certain way. I know the value of school, of working hard. The early bird gets the worm.

I don’t have a problem with complaining that you have to get up early. I complain about it all the time. But 9:30 is not early. You don’t get to complain about that. I WILL give her kudos for making it to class in only an hour and a half. Like I said, I know how long it takes girls to get ready.

I’m running out of steam, probably because of this margarita. So I’ll end the rant here. Kids, 9:30 is NOT early. One day you will miss it. And parents, teach your kids! They need to be prepared for the real world. work starts early and they need to get up even earlier!

End rant.

On another note, I could really use a roast beef sandwich right now. Maybe tomorrow, if I get up early enough.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.