The Mop Bucket

I have a problem with lazy people. The problem I have with lazy people is that they are LAZY. You know the type. They see something that needs to be done, they don’t do it, pawn it off on someone else, hope someone else will do it if they ignore it, or do it and half-ass. Just enough to keep their job, but not enough to actually have to do any work.

Seems that some people at my place of employment weren’t aware of the problem I’m writing about. One person knows now. Because that person, let’s call her Alexa, is now no longer employed by my company, on account of me firing her lazy ass.

At the end of every shift, housekeeping type chores need to be done. No one wants to work in a dirty environment. So, of course, they need to sweep, mop, dust, wipe things down, and keep a generally tidy area. All of that gets done daily and is carefully managed. The issue is is not being able to put things back where they go, or having common sense.

For a week and a half, someone was mopping, washing the mop out, and leaning it up against the wall with the wet mop on the ground with the mop bucket next to it. UNDERNEATH THE HOOK THAT IS THERE SPECIFICALLY TO HANG A MOP ON. I know what you’re thinking. Alexa probably wan’t aware that it was there for that. It’s an odd-looking hook, she had been doing it the she did it since she started working for us, and most likely didn’t realize that the large label above the mop hook that says “MOP” is there to make sure the mop gets hung on the hook. The hook for the mop. The hook with a label on it, FOR A DAMNED MOP.

So I approached Alexa about the problem, let her know how mop hooks work, and told her why we do things a certain way. We don’t want puddles of water seeping through a crack where the floor and wall meet and creating mold or any other issue. Alexa apologized and told me she understood.

The next day the mop was on the hook! Unfortunately, the bucket was nowhere near the mop and a large puddle had formed overnight. Again, I confronted Alexa and tried to find the root of the problem.

“I didn’t know I had to put the bucket under the mop.”

I guess that’s my bad. I should have mentioned that too. Why would anyone think to just put the mop bucket underneath the wet hanging mop, or anywhere in the vicinity of the mop, especially after having a conversation about proper mop storage the afternoon before. So I gave her an in-depth training on how mops and buckets work and told her not to let it happen again. Because I have sooooooo much time for doing that kind of thing.

Another day passed.

The mop was on the floor. The bucket was closer to the mop. Next to it, actually.

Alexa will not be returning to work.

Don’t be lazy, use your brain, and try to think things through. No one has time for dumbassery. Noone wants to lose a job over dumbassery. And I don’t want it to affect my day so much that I write a blog post about your dumbassery. I even had to call it “The Mop Bucket.” Now, that’s lazy.

Fire me.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.

The Art of the Steal

You all remember The Quitter from yesterday, right? If not, then stop reading this post and go read it before going any further.

Welcome back, this is what it feels like to be caught up you lazy bum.

As I was saying, you all remember The Quitter from yesterday, right? Of course you do, I’m a very memorable writer and you should follow me immediately.

Ok, now that you’re following me, and that you’re all caught up, we can continue. No more holding back the rest of the class.

Due to the lack of composure and ethic of The Quitter, I spent a large portion of the day making phone calls and interviewing people. One young lady in particular stuck out like a sore thumb. With gangrene.

After going through most of the interview, she asks me if I’ll be performing a background check. Odd question to ask since most employers get a background check of their employees. I told her I would be doing that if we decided to go any further with the hiring process. She then proceeded to tell me that she was fired from a job about 7 years ago for stealing.

I’m a forgiving person and I don’t judge, as I’m sure you can tell from my obvious unicorns and rainbows demeanor. Unfortunately, when it comes to work, I have zero tolerance for certain things. Theft is one of those things. Especially in a business where we have our hands on hundreds of products each day, a lot of which is unsupervised.

I let her know that I would contact her to let her know either way if I wanted to continue the hiring process. She left, I immediately got on the internet.

Turns out, Klepto McStickyfingers had a misdemeanor for taking close to $500 right out of a register in front of a camera that she knew was there. Now, I know people change, everyone deserves a second chance, and all that jazz.

I also know that I have fifteen other applicants who haven’t stolen anything. Guess who I’m going to hire?

Back to the story. During my research online and a couple of calls to her old employer to find out what the circumstances were, I discovered quite a bit. McStickyfingers not only blatantly stole from her company, but told fellow employees in the weeks leading up to the crime that she’d easily be able to do it without getting caught. She thought the cameras didn’t work because they were too outdated and for sure didn’t have any kind of audio. They were there for a scare tactic. I bet she was scared when she got arrested.

I DO NOT CONDONE THEFT OF ANY KIND FROM ANY PERSON OR COMPANY.

That being said…

If you’re going to steal from someone, come on. Be fairly intelligent about it. Don’t tell people you’re capable of doing it, how and why you are capable of doing it, or when you’re going to do it. Try to block yourself from any cameras. Don’t be obvious about it. Make it look smooth.

I wrote a post a couple months ago called The Art of the Deal. Go read it. I’ll wait.

Okay, welcome back, again. If I have to make you go back one more time I’m throwing your ass out of this class.

Now insert the wealth of knowledge from The Art of the Deal into this post, The Art of the Steal. See what I did there with the titles? That was a complete coincidence. Yet it worked out seamlessly. I told you earlier I was great at this writing thing. You should read what I write every day like Iamthesunking does. Front of the class, top marks, teacher’s pet.

Anyway. Be smart about what you do. Even thieving. Again, I don’t condone theft in any way. But if you’re going to do something, do it well, think it out, be smart about it. I’d hire a good thief over a bad one any day just out of principle.

Don’t be like Klepto McStickyfingers.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a beautiful woman in my bed waiting for me to hold her so we can pass out.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.

The Quitter

There are many reasons to quit your job. Maybe you aren’t being treated fairly. Perhaps you aren’t making enough. There’s a chance you just aren’t the right for for the job.

There are also many ways to quit your job. Throw things around and slam doors. Yell at the parties you feel have wronged you. Just don’t show up.

Today I had the opportunity to deal with a quitter. Not only did this person quit, she quit on the worst day of the worst week of the worst month. Oh, at the worst time of the day.

Around lunchtime I was pulled into a meeting with a shipping supplier our company uses. After my meeting I checked the time, noticed the quitter was missing, and wrote it off to her being gone for lunch. After all she was clocked out.

An hour went by, I waited for her to clock back in shortly. We have a ton of orders and a ton of wholesale that needs to be done on top of that. So I was swamped. I lost track of time when the owner/founder called me from his office.

Turns out the quitter lived up to her moniker. She clocked out for lunch and decided to just never go back to work again. She also took it upon herself to TEXT the owner/founder and let him know there were no hard feelings. Because she has such good morals and even better work ethics.

I’m sorry. I don’t care why you quit a job. If you don’t want to do the work then I don’t want you there anyway. I hold myself and my employees to a very high standard and I have zero tolerance for anything less than what I expect.

Now, I know exactly why the quitter quit and what her thoughts and feelings were. I read the text she sent. By the way, the quitter’s text was only sent to one person. I, the one person she should have texted, was not that person.

So the quitter left in the middle of the day, left all of her current work half-finished and all over the place, did not say a word until long after the fact, and left the entire department in a pretty bad bind on the worst day possible. The worst part of all of this is that the whole situation pissed me off and put me in a pretty bad mood, because I don’t have enough to deal with on a daily basis.

I’m basically just venting here, so don’t take any of this to heart. Interviews have been done, more of them will take place tomorrow and Friday, and I will have two new people in the department first thing Monday morning. So it all works out for the best, especially since I had plans to terminate the quitter at the end of this month anyway.

Oh, as a side note, if you are going to quit your job, please inform the appropriate parties. Be an adult. Tell someone. Even finish out the day, get those extra few hours on your last paycheck. The one you have to come in to pick up in person since it’s your last one. Hell, I don’t know, maybe even put in and honor your two weeks notice since you care so much about the company and those of us that run it.

Such is life, we all move on, the world keeps turning, and now it’s bedtime. I quit.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.

The Deadline

I’ve had many jobs, all of which have had important deadlines to adhere to. My current job is no different. Several deadlines a day, weekly deadlines, monthly deadlines, even annual deadlines. This makes me very busy, very tired, and very focused.

One deadline in particular expired today. I’m always very prepared for anything that comes my way and I tend to finish whatever is thrown at me way ahead of time. This makes me look good, my team look good, and the company look good. So today I was finishing up some random daily task when I get approached by the guy in charge of operations for the company.

Take a guess as to why he approached me. To tell me I’m doing a great job? To give me a raise? To let me know that he wants me to take on more responsibility because I’m always ahead of the game? To shake my hand and hand over the company?

NO.

“Do you want to tell me why you’ve missed the last three deadlines you’ve been assigned?”

I was clearly surprised, the blood rushed to my face, I immediately went over everything I’ve done in the last month in my head and came up short. I’d done everything asked of me and then some and I’d done it extremely well and, as usual, ahead of time. I’m a very organized individual and I document and track everything I do.

So how in the world could I have missed something? Prepare to be enlightened.

The operations manager was out of town last Thursday and Friday and somehow missed any communication I had sent him. Obviously this guy gets a ton of emails every day so I can’t fault him too much. But he’s been doing that job for years. He should know at this point that he needs to go through his emails before he gets in someone’s face about not doing their job. Especially if said person is known for always doing their job correctly and ahead of time. Especially if he wasn’t in the office for two days, followed by a weekend. Especially if he had all day the following Monday to actually go through anything he may have missed. Especially if he ATTENDED AND RAN THE WEEKLY MEETING WITH ALL DEPARTMENT HEADS THAT HE HAS BEEN IN CHARGE OF SINCE THE FOUNDING OF THE COMPANY HE OWNS.

I’m probably being bitter. I’m sure he had a lot going on. Maybe a family emergency. Maybe something crazy stressful that had him preoccupied. Maybe it was an off day. It could be any number of reasons.

But I don’t have time to focus on all that right now. I have a deadline to make.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.

The Comeback

It’s been way too long, a couple of months at least. Consider this the first post in my renewed attempt at writing at least once a day. A lot has changed, some has stayed the same, and all of it has been for the better.

The format is the same you know and love: dry sense of humor, jokes you may or may not get, observations and experiences in my work and personal life, and the uncanny ability to come off as a general asshole, major dick, private douche (more bad jokes) regardless of the point I’m making or the fact that you agree with me.

First off, I have a new job. I get to work with a ton of people. It’s great, I think. You know how people are. I also get to be in charge of them, so we’ll see how that goes. On the bright side, I’m home every night, I get to cook every night, I get to see the old lady every night. On the other hand, no daily cross-country travel. Not that I don’t have a million complaints on my 10 minute commute to and from work every day (I’m talking to you silver 2003 Malibu that takes up 3 lanes on a 2 lane road in rush hour traffic). But all that other stuff makes up for it.

Next, I’ve more or less settled down and gotten used to the home and work life without the nuisances of a different hotel every night, fast food for every meal, and the insane hours that drive lesser people mad. On top of all that, there’s a cat next to me on the armrest of this couch so I’m going to type a bunch of nonsense to appeal to the cat lovers out there that think it’s adorable when cats walk all over keyboards: adjklfhdsakjabs;dca n sd lj lasdflkjkdf s dfh;ks ;k jsdkf;j sadkf. Gotta get those likes. Definitely wasn’t the cause of a very brief writer’s block and a poor excuse to take up space in this post.

Now that all of that is out of the way, I’ll just say that I’m sorry I haven’t written in a couple months, like I’m the only interesting person on the entire internet and you could figure out anything else in the world to do.

So begins my daily posting. Look out for tomorrow’s post where I rant for quite a while about the idiocy that is being a breatharian. You’re really going to enjoy it.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.

The Apology

This post is going to serve as an apology to my readers and followers. I haven’t posted in way too long and I promised to try to write at least once a day. Well I fucked that one up, it’s been a week or two.

Work has been insanely busy, I’ve been exhausted, and I’ve found the love of my life. Then again, she’s been on me to do some writing. So this is entirely on me.

Today I am rained out. Normally I go ahead ahead and work in whatever kind of weather is present, regardless of how terrible it is. But the jobs I’m working on now are going to be extra dangerous in these thunderstorms and lightning and hail and whatever else the heavens throw down.

So, here I am, in my hotel room in Temple, TX, apologizing to all of you. I’m sorry. There you go. Now I’m going to do some writing and see if I can’t get caught up. I have seen a lot in my absence, so keep a lookout for my next posts.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.

The Tourists

Traveling for work means dealing with tourists on the road. Sooooo many tourists. Young and old, every time of day or night, every day of the week. It’s as if no one goes to school, has a job, a life. Or everyone I come across is super rich and has no need for any of that.

I end up traveling down a lot of 2-lane roads when I drive. Lots of curves, no room to pass, low speed limits, and tourists. There is no frustration greater than being stuck behind a tourist going 5 or 10 miles under the speed limit when you can’t pass them. The reason they drive so slow seems to be so they can look out every window except the windshield to take in the scenery, completely unaware of anyone around them. Or they don’t care.

This is something that happens several times a day. This is something that happens regardless of location. This is something that happens no matter what time it is. This is something that happens even if I beg God to run either me or the tourists off the road.

These same tourists don’t appear to have ever eaten in any restaurant anywhere, ever. They don’t understand pictures, lines, how to order food, how to be polite to those in front of or behind them, or that they are the only ones who are not under a time-constraint.

My favorite tourists are the ones who stop in doorways to chat to the other tourists whether they know them or not. These same tourists also don’t know how to park, but I don’t have to patience to get into that right this second.

I love traveling and looking at the scenery of new places I’ve never explored. I do the speed limit, or more, I use the mirrors in the vehicle, I pull over safely to allow others to pass me so I can stop and look around. I order quickly when in a line and I don’t stand in doorways to talk about the fucking roadrunner I saw run across the road last week. We get it. It was a roadrunner. It ran. It ran across the road. Get out of my way, Dr. Seuss, I have things to do.

If you’re reading this and you are not a tourist, I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you’re reading this and you ARE a tourist, I absolutely mean no disrespect. But that means you should be respectful as well. Be mindful of those around you on the road, in restaurants, in doorways, and in parking lots instead of parking so close to my vehicle that you don’t know how to get out of your car so you stare at me until I move because you screwed up and don’t understand how to back up and park again without taking 20 minutes to get the car in gear.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.