The Art of the Steal

You all remember The Quitter from yesterday, right? If not, then stop reading this post and go read it before going any further.

Welcome back, this is what it feels like to be caught up you lazy bum.

As I was saying, you all remember The Quitter from yesterday, right? Of course you do, I’m a very memorable writer and you should follow me immediately.

Ok, now that you’re following me, and that you’re all caught up, we can continue. No more holding back the rest of the class.

Due to the lack of composure and ethic of The Quitter, I spent a large portion of the day making phone calls and interviewing people. One young lady in particular stuck out like a sore thumb. With gangrene.

After going through most of the interview, she asks me if I’ll be performing a background check. Odd question to ask since most employers get a background check of their employees. I told her I would be doing that if we decided to go any further with the hiring process. She then proceeded to tell me that she was fired from a job about 7 years ago for stealing.

I’m a forgiving person and I don’t judge, as I’m sure you can tell from my obvious unicorns and rainbows demeanor. Unfortunately, when it comes to work, I have zero tolerance for certain things. Theft is one of those things. Especially in a business where we have our hands on hundreds of products each day, a lot of which is unsupervised.

I let her know that I would contact her to let her know either way if I wanted to continue the hiring process. She left, I immediately got on the internet.

Turns out, Klepto McStickyfingers had a misdemeanor for taking close to $500 right out of a register in front of a camera that she knew was there. Now, I know people change, everyone deserves a second chance, and all that jazz.

I also know that I have fifteen other applicants who haven’t stolen anything. Guess who I’m going to hire?

Back to the story. During my research online and a couple of calls to her old employer to find out what the circumstances were, I discovered quite a bit. McStickyfingers not only blatantly stole from her company, but told fellow employees in the weeks leading up to the crime that she’d easily be able to do it without getting caught. She thought the cameras didn’t work because they were too outdated and for sure didn’t have any kind of audio. They were there for a scare tactic. I bet she was scared when she got arrested.

I DO NOT CONDONE THEFT OF ANY KIND FROM ANY PERSON OR COMPANY.

That being said…

If you’re going to steal from someone, come on. Be fairly intelligent about it. Don’t tell people you’re capable of doing it, how and why you are capable of doing it, or when you’re going to do it. Try to block yourself from any cameras. Don’t be obvious about it. Make it look smooth.

I wrote a post a couple months ago called The Art of the Deal. Go read it. I’ll wait.

Okay, welcome back, again. If I have to make you go back one more time I’m throwing your ass out of this class.

Now insert the wealth of knowledge from The Art of the Deal into this post, The Art of the Steal. See what I did there with the titles? That was a complete coincidence. Yet it worked out seamlessly. I told you earlier I was great at this writing thing. You should read what I write every day like Iamthesunking does. Front of the class, top marks, teacher’s pet.

Anyway. Be smart about what you do. Even thieving. Again, I don’t condone theft in any way. But if you’re going to do something, do it well, think it out, be smart about it. I’d hire a good thief over a bad one any day just out of principle.

Don’t be like Klepto McStickyfingers.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a beautiful woman in my bed waiting for me to hold her so we can pass out.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.

The Breatharian

I’ve been very good in the past about not calling out individuals by name. Especially when it comes to my rants about morons. I at least try to stick to a group of people and just use the name of the group (we all remember my flat-earth rant). My other half and I have a fake Instagram account that we use to make fun of basic bitches doing all the stereotypical basic bitch things, to the point of us creating our own basic bitch moments and hashtags. We don’t post often and we think it’s hilarious.

One lovely afternoon, as we lounged around on our couch, we came across the Instagram account of a young woman claiming to be a breatharian. This is where I’m going to lose a lot of patience and start my rant and call out an individual by name. Please forgive any typos or run-ons in my tirade.

AUDRA BEAR. This, person, is the idiot who runs the village entirely filled by village idiots. Many of you can come back and tell me that if they are all idiots, then none of them are idiots. Keep your logical “if, then” trash to yourself, you’ll agree with me by the end of this.

Again, AUDRA BEAR IS AN IDIOT.

Let’s start with what being a breatharian is all about.

A breatharian is a person who has no common sense and has lost all ability to think clearly due to a lack of nutrition. No, that’s not right…

A breatharian is defined as an individual who has no idea what it means to be a healthy human being and is dumb enough to think their ideology is the only way to… No, that’s not it either…

A breatharian thinks it’s possible to reach a level of consciousness where one can obtain all sustenance from the air or sunlight. Damn it, that’s not it either…

Wait… actually that IS the definition. Turns out I was right on all 3 counts.

These people are under the impression that they don’t need to eat. Or drink. Like, at all. Just breathe. And be in the sun. THAT’S IT. Oh! These people also think it’s super healthy to live that way. For a very long extended period of time. And by that, I mean several days, until they die. Which is exactly what has happened to EVERY ONE that has tried to live by breatharian lifestyle.

By now, many of you may have looked up Audra Bear, the heroine of our story. She seems to be alive and “well” and living her best life, despite being a breatharian and living a pranic lifestyle for several years. This is because she is NOT a true breatharian, which is unfortunate because I’d be okay if the lifeguard of natural selection kicked her ass out of the public domain that is the human gene pool.

Audra Bear has many posts, videos, pictures, and stories claiming she is a steadfast breatharian. She has actually claimed, recently, that she has fasted for 97 days on nothing but the sun and breathing techniques.

She’s also a dumbass who goes on to claim that she does her breathing techniques and takes in sunlight while sustaining nutrition through juices and smoothies. What? I’m sorry, I thought I was writing about a breatharian. My bad, turns out she’s a liar who doesn’t know what being a breatharian actually is.

Now, I don’t care if you want to be a breatharian and do whatever fasts and breathing techniques and sun-soaking that make you feel better about yourself. But if you’re going to do it, then fucking do it. Don’t say you’re going to do it and then do some sneaky shit to make it sound good.

So now we have a breatharian who also juices and makes #liquidarian posts.

After a little more digging, meaning more hours of making fun of idiots on Instagram, my lovely partner and I discover that she is also a vegan. That’s right, folks. A breatharian, who only takes in juices and smoothies. And plants and shit.

Okay, why not dig a little more, right? We now have a breatharian-liquidarian-vegan, who only takes in sunlight and air. Today, I found a picture of her drinking Starbucks, at a Starbucks. It wasn’t a juice. Or a smoothie. Or a plant. Or air. She was outside though, so I guess she gets points for the sun part of it. But you see where I’m going with this.

This is my favorite part of the story. In the midst of our sleuthing, we discovered a post where our main character dissected her name. Mind you, this was on the internet for the whole world to see. Let me draw this out the best I can.

AUDRA BEAR

AU=Gold

RA=Sun (cuz of the Egyptians and whatnot)

BEAR-Bearer

Audra Bear is a golden light-bearer.

She wrote all of that on her account. I did NOT make any of that up.

I know, I know. You guys are super smart and probably noticed that nothing was put in for the letter “D.” I noticed that as well. Maybe she forgot it was there. Maybe her lack of nutrition has gotten the better of her and she’s gone loopy. Maybe it’s a silent “D” and it stands for “DUMBFUCKERY.” I’ll let you decide, I’ve already made my decision.

My laptop battery is dying, and I’m struggling to keep all of this rant flowing in a semi-organized structure, so I’m going to put a pin in it for tonight.

Hopefully all of you are on my side on this. It isn’t often that I’m going to call out someone specifically for doing dumb stuff, but this had to happen. I mean, living off air and sunlight alone? Even the guy who founded the whole breatharian ideology said it’s a healthy way to live, IF YOU DO IT RIGHT WITH PROPER FASTING WHILE SUSTAINING THE NUTRITION YOUR BODY NEEDS. Seriously, if that dude said it then get your head out of your ass and stop doing moronic things for likes. Take your anorexic ass home. Get out of the sun, eat a pizza, and read a book. Get off the internet.

I’m all about living a clean and healthy lifestyle. I promote it and want everyone to live their best lives. That doesn’t mean starve your body of everything until your head goes crazy and then get on one of the biggest social media outlets in the world and influence others to live the way you do. all you will die. And to be honest, we will read the article, or maybe only the headline, and shake our heads at your brief, but fatal, insanity.

I’m going to go make a smoothie.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.

The Comeback

It’s been way too long, a couple of months at least. Consider this the first post in my renewed attempt at writing at least once a day. A lot has changed, some has stayed the same, and all of it has been for the better.

The format is the same you know and love: dry sense of humor, jokes you may or may not get, observations and experiences in my work and personal life, and the uncanny ability to come off as a general asshole, major dick, private douche (more bad jokes) regardless of the point I’m making or the fact that you agree with me.

First off, I have a new job. I get to work with a ton of people. It’s great, I think. You know how people are. I also get to be in charge of them, so we’ll see how that goes. On the bright side, I’m home every night, I get to cook every night, I get to see the old lady every night. On the other hand, no daily cross-country travel. Not that I don’t have a million complaints on my 10 minute commute to and from work every day (I’m talking to you silver 2003 Malibu that takes up 3 lanes on a 2 lane road in rush hour traffic). But all that other stuff makes up for it.

Next, I’ve more or less settled down and gotten used to the home and work life without the nuisances of a different hotel every night, fast food for every meal, and the insane hours that drive lesser people mad. On top of all that, there’s a cat next to me on the armrest of this couch so I’m going to type a bunch of nonsense to appeal to the cat lovers out there that think it’s adorable when cats walk all over keyboards: adjklfhdsakjabs;dca n sd lj lasdflkjkdf s dfh;ks ;k jsdkf;j sadkf. Gotta get those likes. Definitely wasn’t the cause of a very brief writer’s block and a poor excuse to take up space in this post.

Now that all of that is out of the way, I’ll just say that I’m sorry I haven’t written in a couple months, like I’m the only interesting person on the entire internet and you could figure out anything else in the world to do.

So begins my daily posting. Look out for tomorrow’s post where I rant for quite a while about the idiocy that is being a breatharian. You’re really going to enjoy it.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.

The Blizzard: Part 2

The Midnight Writer strikes again. For those of you who didn’t read my last post, I ended it by berating flat-earthers, because they are idiots. Yesterday, I was enjoying a tasty Blizzard from Dairy Queen and trying to suffer through the conversations I could hear from the high school kids near me when, out of nowhere, one of them brings up the theory of a flat Earth.

Let me begin by saying that these kids don’t actually believe the Earth is flat. They only discussed it. Asking questions, even dumb ones, is how you learn and develop opinions and ideas. So, hats off to them. Could’ve been a bit quieter, though.

Anyway, there is a growing number of people that believe the Earth is flat. Not round, but flat. Contrary to any and all scientific and visual proof that has been presented, these morons have even created an organization called The Flat Earth Society. It’s real and they have recently held a large conference.

These people have many theories as to how and why the Earth is flat instead of round and spherical. Most have come to the conclusion that the Earth is a flat disk surrounded by an ice wall floating through space. In case that doesn’t sound stupid enough to you, some flat-earthers believe that space isn’t real. Some don’t even believe in gravity. That should really tell you all you need to know.

One guy in particular actually spent twenty grand building a homemade rocket to launch himself high enough in the air to try to see if there is a curvature of the Earth. This rocket of his blasted him about 1,900 feet into the air before parachutes were released and he came back to earth, though his head was still in the clouds. Funny thing about being propelled 1,900 into the air is that the curvature of the Earth can’t be seen until at least 35,000 feet. So, that was pointless.

I’m sure Darius Marley, the writer and audiobook narrator (check out his page if you get a chance, he’s great to read and listen to), would agree with me when I say that anyone can come up with an asinine opinion about something, especially with little to no research, and call it law. Everyone wants to be a part of something and jump on the bandwagon.

If there are any flat-earthers reading this, you are entitled to believe whatever you want to believe. And feel free to fight me on this, if you think the Earth is flat, then I bet you’re made of spare parts, aren’t you, bud? The Earth is round, I can’t sail off the edge of the Earth and fall into space, which apparently isn’t there, and gravity keeps my Blizzard in it’s container while I eat it.

I’m tired of seeing these morons on TV, in magazines, and on the internet. The theory of a flat Earth is idiotic. What’s that? The world needs to know about the massive worldwide conspiracy that the Earth is round and you want to spread the truth of what we’re too blind to see? Get off the cross, we need the wood. Dumbasses.

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.

The World Wide Web

Well I didn’t get to write a post yesterday. I got to my hotel, ready to write, no internet. Turns out that my hotel, which boasted a wonderful high-speed wifi presence, didn’t actually have internet of any kind. False advertising at it’s best.

This meant no writing for you guys. No work email, personal email, Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, or even browsing out of boredom. Of course, I could have used my phone, and I did for a bit. But writing a full post wasn’t an option.

Turns out I’m one of those ppeople that takes the internet for granted. You don’t realize how much you depend on it until you’re out in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do. Everything closed at 8:30 at night, including restaurants. That put a wrench in me wanting to get a post out every single day.

I plan on writing 2 posts today to make up for it. Hopefully my internet tonight will suffuce, or even be present. Otherwise, I’ll power through on my phone, just for you. You’re welcome.

Try not to take things for granted like I did. And definitely try not to rely on them. I know we all rely on the internet for work, school, and personal reasons. Some even have an addiction. But if you can’t make it through life without something as fickle as the World Wide Web, then you have some bigger problems to work out. Remember, the internet is a fairly new tool in the history of the world, and no-one wants to go back to dial-up.

The internet is a tool, nothing more. You don’t need it, it’s just a bonus. Appreciate it and don’t rely on it. It can even get you in trouble. That being said, I’ll be writing another post in a few hours for you. Stay tuned!

Stay classy, and I’ll see you at the next stop.